kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
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It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together