Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
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Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
Ah yes. The three genders
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
#oldknees
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what