Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
You Might Also Like
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
Me too door. Me too.
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?