Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
You Might Also Like
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to