Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
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My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
Body by cheese-puffs.