@CandyEmpires2

Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.

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@SteveDutzy

Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.

@Havish_AF

You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.

@BacklineNurse

some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor

@KentWGraham

Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?

@heatherlou_

If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.

@GFGander

How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face

@SaltyEMNY

Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.

@bitterlittleman

i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too

@sagarcasm

After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.

@bananagrvyrd

My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.