Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
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When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
u guys got any snacks onboard here
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.