When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
You Might Also Like
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
rich people when they have to pay taxes