This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
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I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.