*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
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WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME