doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
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maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
We’ve come full circle
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
LMAO.
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.