Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
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Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st