We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
You Might Also Like
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
The news is so predictable nowadays
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.