My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
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a wizard dating app called bumbledore
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings