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My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
Planet of the Apps.
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.