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Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
Is fructose made with real fruct?
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards