Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
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“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*