What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
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Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
Google assistant rules
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers