Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
You Might Also Like
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.