‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
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put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!