Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
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Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
My 4yo came home carrying a bunch of rocks. I was like “where are those rocks from?” And he goes “Pangea” which I guess isn’t wrong but I would like him to be more specific.
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.