[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
You Might Also Like
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.