SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
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him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know