I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
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My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
shazam but for random noises outside
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.