You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
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I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.