A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
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I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
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If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
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Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
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