bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
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guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
“you recording!?”
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER