[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
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Happy Halloween 🎃
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??