Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
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I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
blocked.
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk