My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
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I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
Netflix and you sit over there.
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.