Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
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GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.