What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
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At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.