Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
You Might Also Like
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*