Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
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dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
don’t we all
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
*exercises sarcastically*
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*