We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
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friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.