You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
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[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
Mhm.
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?