ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
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What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.