ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
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As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
Think I pulled my liver
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
Meow?
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The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
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A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
My wedding will be open casket.
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
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Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?