I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
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Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
Not today
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
seems fine
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down