Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
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[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.