ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
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Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
🔦🌙👣
Peter Parker Peter Driver
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.