Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
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*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
Kentucky names the shit out of places
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.