Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
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I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
nobody’s gonna understand
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?