my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
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Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!