BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
You Might Also Like
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first