the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
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Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest