friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
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Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
Every haunted house movie:
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.