friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
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I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
9: dad I don’t want to sleep in my room alone tonight. Can I sleep with you and mom?
me: aw bud, it’s okay. You won’t be alone in your room. There’s plenty of ghosts in there to keep you company.
9: MOM!
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”