9: dad I don’t want to sleep in my room alone tonight. Can I sleep with you and mom?
me: aw bud, it’s okay. You won’t be alone in your room. There’s plenty of ghosts in there to keep you company.
9: MOM!
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Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
Ok but actually
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what?
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Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.