McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
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Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.