14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
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When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine