*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
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I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
Jail
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.