The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
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If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
I love wikipedia
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.